I became a consistent scripture reader in junior high when I started Seminary. I felt good when I read, and I loved knowing that I was doing what I was supposed to. I was obedient. It became such a habit that it was hard to fall asleep until I had read my scriptures. 

Over the years, I've lost some of that fire I had for scripture study. Because I was in the Young Women's organization in my ward, I was trying to receive my Personal Progress medallion alongside the teens I served. Part of that is reading the Book of Mormon cover to cover. 

I got so bored. 

Maybe this is just a personal issue, but I got so bored. I was FORCING myself to read each day but not learning anything. I still felt the spirit when I opened my scriptures, but my mind wandered and I rarely got anything out of it. It felt forced. I've been in this place where I feel like I'm living the gospel but not really experiencing it. Going through the motions but not really feeling God's presence. 

I knew my worship needed to change. I abandoned the Personal Progress program. I gave up. Which is something I don't do very often because it is so hard for me.

I decided that I needed to make my spiritual time something that worked for me. Something I looked forward to and not something I dreaded. Something that gave me quiet time with God, time to just sit with him and study whatever I wanted, or don't study and just meditate and relax and pray, or journal out my feelings and prayers and hopes and fears.

It worked.

I started looking forward to this time! One night while struggling with insomnia I had an acronym come to mind. SIT

S- Study wherever my heart desires

I- Intentional prayer and mediation

T- Time to Write


As long as what I am doing falls under one of those items in my acronymn, that counts as my worship time.

I've been longing to study the stories of Jesus. So for a few days I read the New Testament. Then one day I felt really stressed and I couldn't focus, so instead I journaled. I just wrote. And when I didn't want to write anymore I rested my eyes and prayed. I felt so refreshed after, not more stressed from trying to force myself to study in the way that someone else might say is the "right" way.

Over the last week I've been re-reading General Conference talks from this most recent conference. It has filled me.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the way YOU should study, but I wanted to say it's working for me! I have felt so much closer to my Heavenly Father during my worship time. And that's what I call it now, my SIT Time or my Worship Time. Because that what it is. It is time where I worship my God and my Savior, and I come to know them better.

This SIT time has made all the difference for me. I have recently decided to try eating vegetarian and see how I feel from it, and when I did I wanted to study the Word of Wisdom. So I did. I am seriously loving the freedom I've given myself to study wherever and whatever will help me worship. I'm so grateful that I have started doing my gospel study this way. If you try it out, be sure to let me know how it goes, I'd love to hear!

Will Ye Go Away Also?

I've been frustrated with some aspects of the gospel culture. Not the gospel, but the culture. My husband and I asked to be released from our callings as soon as our home we are selling went under contract. That was hard, and some people were unhappy with us. I felt like I needed a few weeks to get my feet back under me, to get enough sleep, and to figure out where I am in this whole church thing. 

Sister Carole M. Stephens gave a talk tonight in the Women's Session of General Conference and spoke plentifully about the Savior. Here are some truth bombs I learned tonight. 

*Jesus is at the heart of the plan

*Being a witness of Christ is an action item for His disciples

*We must have a better understanding of the doctrine of Christ

*Hope is found in Jesus Christ.

*Complete healing WILL COME through Jesus Christ for He is the Master Healer.

I felt inspired to re-read the New Testament and re-read those precious stories of my Savior's life and to strive to get to know Him better than I know Him now. 

A few weeks ago I talked with my husband about my struggles with church. I told him I would NEVER give up the gospel because I love it so, and I love Jesus, and I LOVE the blessings and covenants and ordinances and promises I receive and will receive through my membership. But it really has been a struggle lately for me to get to church. We talked about it and soon after our talk, I attended Time Out for Women in Logan, UT. I wrote this post about my experience there and why I created Miss. Broken Disciple in the first place! 

Ultimately, I realized that I could still be a good disciple of Christ even if my confidence in church was not 100%. Going through dark times doesn't mean you won't ever find the light again. I realized that even broken disciples of Christ can make all the difference. 

In John 6:66-68 is one of my favorite stories of Christ. My sister shared it with our family when she came home from her mission, and spoke of her own experiences in darkness and confusion of what church meant to her. It came to my mind tonight as I listened to the Women's Session of General Conference. 

66. From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. 

67. Then Jesus said unto the twelve, Will ye go away also? 

68. Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. 

To whom would I go? Christ is my ONLY option. He is there for me, and when other pieces of the gospel feel broken to me, I have my testimony of Christ. And because of my testimony of Christ, I believe in this gospel and in turn in HIS church. 

"Lord, to whom shall we go?" He is the only option for us all, we all need Him, and He is there waiting, with his arms outstretched, waiting to pull us into a great big bear hug. 

PUT. THE. CARDIGAN. ON. - Choosing to take care of ourselves

Today at work I was FREEZING cold. My partner was super hot, but I was soooooo cold. I had goosebumps and everything! It was getting to the point where I was miserable and it was hard to focus on work. A co-worker could tell I was freezing and said, "Brooklyn, why don't you just put on the cardigan you keep on the back of your chair?" 

"Oh, I'm not THAT cold. It's not like it's the middle of winter or anything," I replied. 

My co-worker looked at me like I was growing a mustache or something, but just said, "OK," and walked away. 

Then I sat there, cold, and wondering why I wouldn't just put the cardigan on! I was obviously cold. My body obviously wanted warmth and comfort and I was denying it because I wasn't THAT cold. 

I've been thinking about this today and I found a lot of parallels in our lives. 

From the time we got married I told my husband that mental illness ran in my family and if it ever got bad enough I would go get help. Every time I'd have a panic attack, or a day where I couldn't get out of bed, or a mental breakdown, or a binge-eating coping episode I'd just say, "Well my anxiety and depression are not THAT bad. If it was bad I'd get help!" 

When my husband was on the brink of losing his job we hid it from mostly everyone. We kept saying, "If it gets bad enough, we'll ask for help. It's not THAT bad."

The past two times we've moved my husband has moved us almost completely on his own. Both times our moving weekend fell on a previously scheduled activity with my family so I wasn't even there to help. He'd say, "Oh it's not THAT bad to move all our stuff."

WHY DO WE THINK THINGS HAVE TO BE BAD BEFORE WE ASK FOR HELP???!!!???

Why didn't I just tell my co-worker, "You're right!" and put my cardigan on to combat that cold! Why did I think I deserved to sit there freezing when help was right there waiting?? I'd prepared by having a cardigan that I leave on the back of my work chair in case it ever got too cold, but I wasn't willing to use it. IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. 

How often do we choose to not "bother" our Heavenly Father because our problems are not THAT bad? We think He must be busy with all the catastrophes going on in the world and that our problems are meaningless to Him. THIS IS NOT TRUE. THIS IS 100% LITERALLY SATAN TRYING TO KEEP US FROM GETTING THE HELP WE COULD RECEIVE JUST BY TURNING TO GOD!

The comparisons could go on and on and on and on and... well, you get it. 

We have friends, family, and HEAVEN on our side. That's why we have the Atonement. That's why we have repentance. That's why we have a bishop. That's why we have the cardigan on the back of our chair. Because as soon as you feel a chill, you can put it on! You don't have to wait until you are freezing cold and there are icicles hanging from your nose!

So let's put our cardigans on. CHRIST IS THERE WAITING TO HELP US. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER IS THERE WAITING TO HELP US. Whether we are stressed out with school, frustrated with a spouse, feeling self-loathing for our actions, anxious about the future, or freezing cold in an elementary school... 

PUT. THE. CARDIGAN. ON. 

That's what it's there for folks. And don't worry, I did eventually put the cardigan on. And man, was it heavenly.

Why I Created Miss. Broken Disciple

Miss. Broken Disciple was created after I attended Time Out for Women, an event for LDS women to listen to speakers on a variety of topics to renew their faith and love of Christ's gospel. 

Many of the speakers spoke of having a "Faith Crisis," a time in their lives where they could not feel close to Heavenly Father. Some of them dealt with doctrinal questions, some of them dealt with mental illness, and some of them dealt with divorce and other family shifts that caused great anguish. They were broken. They were your average everyday people who were overcoming trials, striving to feel God's love, learning about Christ's atonement and yet despite their struggles, despite their brokenness, they were still following our Savior. 

I felt one with them. I am broken. 

In May 2016, I was (FINALLY!) diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, mild depression and even PTSD from two events in my life that altered the way my brain analyzed the safety and comfort of normal, every day situations. I had spent a lot of time putting on a happy face and acting like nothing was wrong, only to go home and have a 3 hour-long panic attack that filled my husband with fear. I met with my doctor and some therapists and with the help of medication am striving to improve my life each and every day. I finally understood what was happening in my brain and why it was hard for me to live a normal life. Each day brings its own trials, but I am on my own road to mental wellness. 

I am broken in so many ways. I go through periods where it is VERY hard for me to feel close to my Heavenly Father. Even when I am doing all the things I should be in order to have his Spirit, I still struggle to feel that closeness with Him that my spirit desires. I also go through periods of undeniable closeness with my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. Times where I feel one with them. I cling to those moments when I am in darkness. 

To be broken means having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. It can also mean a person who has given up all hope, or who is despairing. 

The definition of disciple is a personal follower of Jesus or one who accepts and assists in spreading the doctrines of another. 

I am a broken disciple. You probably are too. We are all broken. We all need Jesus. We need to turn to Him and give Him our burdens. Miss. Broken Disciple exists to encourage you to embrace your brokenness, share your light, and turn to Christ. Here we talk about the good, the bad, and how the Savior helps us through it all. Miss. Broken Disciple is here to remind you that you have enough, you do enough and you ARE enough. 

In the words of Kenneth Cope...

"Praise His name, my God loves broken things..."